I hope you enjoy! Don't say I didn't warn you. Mwahahhahhhha!
Running on E
If I had it to do all over again I never would have agreed to go to that fucking party. Hell, maybe I never would have been friends with J.D. at all. He gave me these piss poor directions, too. Way I figure it, he’s responsible for the whole damn thing. All right, I admit I should have looked at the gas gauge before I left, but isn’t a man allowed to make a mistake?? I mean, come on, anybody can do that! But do I deserve this? To die like an asshole in the middle of nowhere by this, this, this whatever-the-fuck-this-was?!!
Let me tell you how it all happened. J. D. told me Wednesday that there was going to be a party a few miles down the road and a bunch of hot ass girls were going to be there. I gave him some hell about how his idea of a hot ass girl and mine were probably real fucking far apart. After a bit of back and forth I finally said ok, only because he agreed to buy the beer. I didn’t have anything better to do, and if I got laid, well, hell yeah – bonus! At the very least I would get some free beer out of the deal. He gave me quick directions and we went back to work.
I didn’t give it much thought until Friday when J.D. reminded me about the party. I didn’t know why but I had a strange feeling about it. Now I’m not one to call psychics or have my palm read, however, I can look back on it and see that it was probably my intuition telling me not to go. I didn’t listen.
I left work and went straight home where I had my usual sandwich and a beer. These were tough times for me and I was lucky I still had a job, so that meant no cell phone and not much food. Sandwiches were pretty much my usual. Oh, and those little noodles in a packet. They’re cheap and if I’ve got some hot sauce they’re pretty satisfying. My beer budget had hit rock bottom also. I had resigned to buying the cheapest beer I could stomach. Just might take a few more to get a good buzz. Not too many of those lately.
I had sprawled out on the couch with the tv on and fell asleep. I woke up to the feeling of a cold, wet shirt. The beer I had been holding when I fell asleep had slipped out of my hands leaving quite a mess. After a quick shower, a game of smell-the-shirt to find one clean enough to pass for acceptable, and another beer, I was on my way. As I got in the car I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.
Let me tell you about my car. My car is a piece o’ crap. It got me to and from work. If I hit a pothole hard enough it would probably fall to pieces. Adding in J.D.’s directions, which included an out of the way shortcut I had never heard of, and it all equaled to a recipe for disaster; not to mention the fact that the closest gas station was probably two miles down the road. In the face of mortal danger there are a surprising number of what if’s and should have’s that run through your head at break neck speed. I wonder if this was like the ‘life passing in front of your eyes’ thing. This could have been my personal version of it.
I had only walked about a hundred yards from my car when I needed to take a piss. It was dark and no traffic so I just stepped a few feet into the woods and started to take care of business. That’s when I heard the most horrifying sound. A scream, I guess you could call it, mixed with a high-pitched whistle, and a grating metal sound, all in one. But what I saw was the kicker.
About 20 feet in front of me was some kind of creature. It looked like a spider and a crab snuck into that machine in the movie, “The Fly” but it didn’t quite make it through all the way. It stood at about 5 feet tall and had long, thin, barb-covered legs, too many to count, but the eyes – holy crap – the eyes covered its’ entire head. Each was a different size and none had eyelids. They protruded from it and all moved around, looking in every direction. There was one big pincher leg in the front which it seemed to kind of lean on. The mouth was the most horrendous feature. Shining in the moonlight was its’ enormous, irregular maw positioned on the front of the things’ head and lined completely with gigantic, triangular, razor-edged teeth that were layered in rows as far back as could be seen. A dark, stinking slime dripped out of its’ mouth and fell to the ground.
The scream that issued forth from it pierced the silence of the night. All of its’ legs twitched out of sync causing to seem as if it were advancing. It wasn’t. Yet.
Once it was finished with the noise, it slowly raised one of its’ long legs up in the air over its’ head like a dagger.
I was frozen in fear and disbelief. What the hell was this thing? There hadn’t even been something like this on one of those late night B-flick horror shows I watched as a kid. I knew at that moment I was going to die.
It paused for a moment with its’ leg poised to kill. Then it lunged. It made no sense that it could move that fast. The tip of its’ leg sliced diagonally through my chest and belly. I fell back.
Then it dragged me into the woods.
Funny thing is I felt nothing.
Until it started to chew.